PJ Smythe - CGC Tough Qs - Suffering

Some points from PJ's sermon that stuck with me

• Four Options: No God, Bad God, Weak God, Good God
• He does it to rouse us to Him - "unless you repent, you too will perish" is JC's response to the collapse of the tower.
• He does it to rouse us to heaven - we are kept oblivious to eternity.
• In the end, it boils down to whether I trust God or not - if I do, the Good God hypothesis is easy to accept, if not, it becomes impossible.
• The whys don't (and cannot) comfort, only the who can comfort

The last was the one that really struck home - I cannot find comfort or meaning in the minutiae of why things have happened in the way that they have, it will not change them to know why. I can only find it in the one who made them happen - when I know him, the whys will cease to be of consequence.

At cell tonight Gary spoke of love languages - more of this later...

Photoshoot - us

Susie took a few really lovely shots of us as a family, but also of us as a couple. I don't want to post them all, but here's one. It comes joint top place for me with one other, but I'm just going to post this one.

Thoughts after a Men's Breakfast

That was a BIG Bacon/Egg roll - shouldn't have had porridge this morning...

PJ Smythe spoke on the struggle to be masculine humbly, honestly, with healthy introspection, worshipfully and two other points which I forget...

He used Job as his text and spoke also of his own struggles with cancer over the last year. Some reflections/points follow below in no particular order:

• Job does not pretend everything is fine when his family is killed and his possessions taken away - he rends his clothes, shaves his head and falls to the ground... but in worship, not in rage or despair.
• Spurgeon says "Oh Blessed Hurricane that drives me onto the Rock of Ages"
• Sow your tears (Ps 126) - not randomly, but constructively; take them to God in the company of others (brothers)
• God plus something - if something is taken, everything changes
• God plus nothing - if something is taken, nothing changes
• Job reflects in the middle chapters on the following: sexuality, treatment of the poor and management of money
• "Shall we accept good from God, but not trouble" & "Job never accused God of wrongdoing" - troubles may come from God, but they are not wrong. Paul says they work for good.
• "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21
• See our disappointment in the context of eternity
• Don't idolise life, idolise Jesus

While I agree with the idea behind messages like this, that our relationship with God (and indeed with people) should not be based on what they can do for us, a scratch-my-back scenario, but is it realistic or even possible? In a human relationship where one party gives out but receives nothing in return, we would not condemn them for giving up on it, yet this is the ideal we are to strive for in a relationship with God?

This is not a new idea - it is the message of Daniel 3:17-18 that I heard as a challenge when I was teaching at Herzlia. Then it seemed noble, now it just seems foolish. It's not that I need/want material blessings in return for my worship, or expect happiness or contentment because I follow him, but a little feedback now and again would be nice - this talking to a blank wall became old long, long ago, and I've basically given up trying. So now of course the reason I hear nothing is because I contribute nothing to the relationship... so it's all my fault for not trying hard enough or persevering long enough...

Having said that, God made the move that started this most recent re-foray into counselling, I guess I need to make the next...

Counselling continued

Second session was last week and it was a busy weekend, so let's see what I can remember...

We talked a lot about assertiveness and fear - about how I live with an expectation that things will go badly and react appropriately; how I have schooled myself not to get excited about things to avoid being disappointed. We talked about how this affects my relationships with those I live with and with those I work with.

We ended up with her telling me that the promises of God, which are foundational to the rest of our faith are not dependent on us, but on Him. It wasn't as groundbreaking a session as the first - I suppose that's inevitable, but it felt positive, solidifying (if you follow me), plus, I have homework. I'm to download the 40 days with Abraham PDF from the church website and start working through it.

So I am

Counselling notes

So, I'm starting the counselling process again - it has taken me a long time to come to the realisation that I am not simply going to get better/fixed all on my own, and that I am going to need professional paid-for help to find my way clear of the tangled situation I find myself in.

We met up about a week ago - I liked her from the start (very important) and trusted her enough to pour forth all the things that have brought me to this point, starting with Zoe, but including being dumped by the worship team, Nix's ordination rejection, Malcolm, and much more besides. We spoke about journal-ing, but I have never had the persistence or enthusiasm required (just look at this blog), but she encouraged me to at least write down what we spoke about and the realisations I had had during the sessions as a record for me to look back on at the very least, so here goes. Most of it will be in a short hand on the off-chance that someone actually does read this :-)

• The struggle is to understand how things work in a universe where God exists - if he doesn't exist, then life is much simpler: "Shit happens"
• The "smackdown" phenomenon
• "This time it's personal"
• "something bad might happen" (Marlin, Nemo's dad)
• Thoughts/vision of God asking for volunteers
• Zoe being cuddled by Grandma

Daddy's boy

"No matter how long between entries..."

I once wrote that in a journal in a spate of determination to keep writing - so often, when there has been a pause, it is hard to start writing again, and the longer the pause, the harder to resume...

Tomorrow Nicole will book herself into Vincent Palotti Hospital to begin the process of inducing our son to be born - tomorrow she will have scans and injections and be monitored, on Tuesday they will administer a gel to (hopefully) trigger labour, on Wednesday (assuming nothing has happened) they move on to a hormone injection, and (if needed, i.e. still nothing has happened) a Ceasarian.

It has been a long, sometimes rocky road since his conception back in October 2008 - at least one occasion where we were both convinced that he was dead, Nicole several other times as well; we've refurbished our house, moved out of Elna's place and into our own and have only just finished unpacking!! Trust us not to do things the easy way - although, to be fair, we had planned things so that we'd move in a month or so before we ended up doing so, but there were delays in getting the plans approved and delays in getting the kitchen cupboards finished, and so we're finally comfortable just in time for our life to get turned upside down again...

If we think about it too hard, it is very easy to get very scared - we've been this close before with Zoe, and we lost her. I've found myself telling people that in the best-case scenario, we'll be home by Weds evening, and in the worst-case and then trailing off... I'm meaning to say something about how we may need to spend a few more nights in a ward if Nicole has to have a C-section, but it keeps coming out differently. "That's why I don't think of it." (from Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead)

I can't imagine how life will be - whatever the outcome. I can't imagine another baby in the house - it seems we have our hands full with just the one, we so seldom have time to/for ourselves, I can't picture it when there is another bundle to care for. Even more so, I just can't bear to think what life will be if we lose another child. First time round was bad enough, but to have it happen again, well, I fear it might be too much... At least one thing has been resolved - we have a fantastic cell group who we have seen in action already (another member of the group has leukaemia), and we have our family all around us, so we will be cared for should the "inconthievable" (The Princess Bride) occur.

And now, to wait...