Revisiting Zoe

A friend - Brett Anderson of Fish fame - asked people to write to him about their child loss experiences. Below is what I wrote about Zoe:

My second daughter, Zoe, was stillborn at 37 weeks on 24th March 2007 in London, UK - we had no warning, one day she was well, with a strong heartbeat, head down, ready to come into the world, and two days later, she was dead. It turns out that Nicole has a blood condition that pre-disposes her toward clotting, and the best guess is that there must have been sudden clotting in the placenta/umbilical chord which starved Zoe of oxygen. We didn't know this until after Zoe was born but because our first daughter, Janel, had been premature, Nicole had been under closer observation than a normal pregnancy, including specialised prenatal care, so there was nothing more that could have been done under the circumstances. Nevertheless, you plague yourself with "what if" questions - what if I'd taken Nicole the emergency room the night before when she first commented that Zoe wasn't moving regularly, what if Nicole had noticed earlier that something seemed to be wrong?

The church community we belonged to were amazing and really rallied round, providing us with meals, doing laundry, taking Janel out so we could be alone. We were put in touch with a charity called SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) who invited us to a meeting of parents who had lost their children. It was just incredible to meet with other parents who had walked a similar path to us and who could tell us that there was some light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long and dark it might prove to be. When we returned to South Africa, we looked to find a similar support group, but saw that none existed. As a result we started Born Sleeping and have had the privilege of supporting, and being supported by, many couples both in Cape Town, where we live, but also around the country via email and Facebook.

The issue of my faith in relation to this experience is a difficult, complicated, and ongoing one - in the weeks after Zoe's death, we felt God's love and comfort expressed to us by his people and we truly felt that, somehow, it was all going to be alright. As a bloke, I was in full strong-man support mode for Nicole, we had a 18-month old daughter to take care of, I had a job to go back to after a couple of weeks, we were preparing to move home to South Africa, etc and although I had the opportunity for some counselling, I don't think I was able to fully engage with the enormity of my grief and its impact on my faith. When we moved back to Cape Town, we struggled to find a worship community where we felt comfortable - going to church itself was not a happy experience, when you have deep questions about the goodness of a deity who would allow a child to be created only to take her back before we could know her, it is not easy to be surrounded by people singing His praises. The best advice we were given in this time was permission to miss church, to stop feeling duty bound to attend if it was damaging our relationship with God. In spite of this respite, for many months, I would go through phases of truly hating people who had an open, easy faith, because they had what I no longer could claim to be my own.

Truth be told, my relationship with God had been on a downward trend for some time before Zoe died, but the questions that her death raised for me became stumbling blocks which I couldn't overcome and although we settled in a church and joined cell groups and I even began to lead worship again, my personal spiritual life was essentially dead. Matters came to a head one Sunday morning when God, through one of his children, lovingly confronted me and said that I could not continue like this, struggling on my own and hoping that things would improve, that I needed to seek help. And so I re-entered counselling, and have made progress - Zoe's death has become the scalpel God used to cut through layers of tradition and habit to uncover fundamental flaws in the way I view God and how I relate to him. There is much work to be done still, but I have hope again that at some point in the future I will be restored as God promises, I will be able to say with Spurgeon "Oh Blessed Hurricane that drives me onto the Rock of Ages" and mean it.

Next month it will be 5 years since Zoe died, and although we have been blessed with a son in that time, I still think of her often and am surprised by how close to the surface the grief remains. In writing this, I have been reading through some of the messages we wrote and recieved at the time, and the tears have flowed freely again. You never "get over" a loss such as this, but you learn to live with the pain. You never ever quite work out how to properly answer the question "How many children do you have?" but you stop feeling guilty when you say 2 instead of 3. There is life after stillbirth, but it is never the same as before.

Two Questions

1. What will make it real?

2. What are you inviting me to?

These are the questions I've been challenged to ask myself when life goes awry - just recording this for posterity - more details to follow when I have the time...

How to summarise what's been going on the last 10 days or so?

I don't know that I can - even to myself. Suffice it to say that the goalposts have radically shifted from what I now see as symptoms (Zoe dying, Nicole's non-selection, worship team rejection, etc) to a cause - well, I think it's a cause, it could just be another symptom...

The danger I now feel is to rush to being "better" - I've dealt with the immediate issues enough to no longer be in crisis, and the temptation is to stop and trust that the rest of the healing will just happen on its own. I've been here a couple of times and veered away from deeper issues (or just not insisted on following up on threads). I hope that I will be able to continue to explore this time...

PJ Smythe - CGC Tough Qs - Suffering

Some points from PJ's sermon that stuck with me

• Four Options: No God, Bad God, Weak God, Good God
• He does it to rouse us to Him - "unless you repent, you too will perish" is JC's response to the collapse of the tower.
• He does it to rouse us to heaven - we are kept oblivious to eternity.
• In the end, it boils down to whether I trust God or not - if I do, the Good God hypothesis is easy to accept, if not, it becomes impossible.
• The whys don't (and cannot) comfort, only the who can comfort

The last was the one that really struck home - I cannot find comfort or meaning in the minutiae of why things have happened in the way that they have, it will not change them to know why. I can only find it in the one who made them happen - when I know him, the whys will cease to be of consequence.

At cell tonight Gary spoke of love languages - more of this later...

Photoshoot - us

Susie took a few really lovely shots of us as a family, but also of us as a couple. I don't want to post them all, but here's one. It comes joint top place for me with one other, but I'm just going to post this one.

Thoughts after a Men's Breakfast

That was a BIG Bacon/Egg roll - shouldn't have had porridge this morning...

PJ Smythe spoke on the struggle to be masculine humbly, honestly, with healthy introspection, worshipfully and two other points which I forget...

He used Job as his text and spoke also of his own struggles with cancer over the last year. Some reflections/points follow below in no particular order:

• Job does not pretend everything is fine when his family is killed and his possessions taken away - he rends his clothes, shaves his head and falls to the ground... but in worship, not in rage or despair.
• Spurgeon says "Oh Blessed Hurricane that drives me onto the Rock of Ages"
• Sow your tears (Ps 126) - not randomly, but constructively; take them to God in the company of others (brothers)
• God plus something - if something is taken, everything changes
• God plus nothing - if something is taken, nothing changes
• Job reflects in the middle chapters on the following: sexuality, treatment of the poor and management of money
• "Shall we accept good from God, but not trouble" & "Job never accused God of wrongdoing" - troubles may come from God, but they are not wrong. Paul says they work for good.
• "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21
• See our disappointment in the context of eternity
• Don't idolise life, idolise Jesus

While I agree with the idea behind messages like this, that our relationship with God (and indeed with people) should not be based on what they can do for us, a scratch-my-back scenario, but is it realistic or even possible? In a human relationship where one party gives out but receives nothing in return, we would not condemn them for giving up on it, yet this is the ideal we are to strive for in a relationship with God?

This is not a new idea - it is the message of Daniel 3:17-18 that I heard as a challenge when I was teaching at Herzlia. Then it seemed noble, now it just seems foolish. It's not that I need/want material blessings in return for my worship, or expect happiness or contentment because I follow him, but a little feedback now and again would be nice - this talking to a blank wall became old long, long ago, and I've basically given up trying. So now of course the reason I hear nothing is because I contribute nothing to the relationship... so it's all my fault for not trying hard enough or persevering long enough...

Having said that, God made the move that started this most recent re-foray into counselling, I guess I need to make the next...

Counselling continued

Second session was last week and it was a busy weekend, so let's see what I can remember...

We talked a lot about assertiveness and fear - about how I live with an expectation that things will go badly and react appropriately; how I have schooled myself not to get excited about things to avoid being disappointed. We talked about how this affects my relationships with those I live with and with those I work with.

We ended up with her telling me that the promises of God, which are foundational to the rest of our faith are not dependent on us, but on Him. It wasn't as groundbreaking a session as the first - I suppose that's inevitable, but it felt positive, solidifying (if you follow me), plus, I have homework. I'm to download the 40 days with Abraham PDF from the church website and start working through it.

So I am

Counselling notes

So, I'm starting the counselling process again - it has taken me a long time to come to the realisation that I am not simply going to get better/fixed all on my own, and that I am going to need professional paid-for help to find my way clear of the tangled situation I find myself in.

We met up about a week ago - I liked her from the start (very important) and trusted her enough to pour forth all the things that have brought me to this point, starting with Zoe, but including being dumped by the worship team, Nix's ordination rejection, Malcolm, and much more besides. We spoke about journal-ing, but I have never had the persistence or enthusiasm required (just look at this blog), but she encouraged me to at least write down what we spoke about and the realisations I had had during the sessions as a record for me to look back on at the very least, so here goes. Most of it will be in a short hand on the off-chance that someone actually does read this :-)

• The struggle is to understand how things work in a universe where God exists - if he doesn't exist, then life is much simpler: "Shit happens"
• The "smackdown" phenomenon
• "This time it's personal"
• "something bad might happen" (Marlin, Nemo's dad)
• Thoughts/vision of God asking for volunteers
• Zoe being cuddled by Grandma

Daddy's boy

"No matter how long between entries..."

I once wrote that in a journal in a spate of determination to keep writing - so often, when there has been a pause, it is hard to start writing again, and the longer the pause, the harder to resume...

Tomorrow Nicole will book herself into Vincent Palotti Hospital to begin the process of inducing our son to be born - tomorrow she will have scans and injections and be monitored, on Tuesday they will administer a gel to (hopefully) trigger labour, on Wednesday (assuming nothing has happened) they move on to a hormone injection, and (if needed, i.e. still nothing has happened) a Ceasarian.

It has been a long, sometimes rocky road since his conception back in October 2008 - at least one occasion where we were both convinced that he was dead, Nicole several other times as well; we've refurbished our house, moved out of Elna's place and into our own and have only just finished unpacking!! Trust us not to do things the easy way - although, to be fair, we had planned things so that we'd move in a month or so before we ended up doing so, but there were delays in getting the plans approved and delays in getting the kitchen cupboards finished, and so we're finally comfortable just in time for our life to get turned upside down again...

If we think about it too hard, it is very easy to get very scared - we've been this close before with Zoe, and we lost her. I've found myself telling people that in the best-case scenario, we'll be home by Weds evening, and in the worst-case and then trailing off... I'm meaning to say something about how we may need to spend a few more nights in a ward if Nicole has to have a C-section, but it keeps coming out differently. "That's why I don't think of it." (from Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead)

I can't imagine how life will be - whatever the outcome. I can't imagine another baby in the house - it seems we have our hands full with just the one, we so seldom have time to/for ourselves, I can't picture it when there is another bundle to care for. Even more so, I just can't bear to think what life will be if we lose another child. First time round was bad enough, but to have it happen again, well, I fear it might be too much... At least one thing has been resolved - we have a fantastic cell group who we have seen in action already (another member of the group has leukaemia), and we have our family all around us, so we will be cared for should the "inconthievable" (The Princess Bride) occur.

And now, to wait...

Phonecall followup

Well, the meeting happened, and frankly, I was disapointed... it just wasn't... enough. I'm really not sure what I was expecting, but this wasn't it...


We drank some really nice coffee, and chatted about me and my family and job and life, and he told me about some of the initatives that the church has going. When I mentioned Zoe after half an hour or so, he mumbled something about "I saw that on your form, I was going to ask..." and then never mentioned the topic again. There was no pastoral nature to the meeting, it was more like a business meeting - it wasn't a sales pitch, but there was no depth to it. Friendly enough, but nothing to draw me in or draw me out of myself.


We went back to the church that Sunday, and I took Janel to the Childrens section this time. I was able to leave after less than 5 min which was fantastic - she is really feeling comfortable there!! For this reason alone, I guess we will probably keep going - I have just recieved an email circular from the church as I'm typing, must be a sign :-). The service itself was fine, the preacher was the best of the three weeks so far, although I was dissapointed that he didn't really end up answering the question he posed at the start. This was how the "obnoxious" God often portrayed in the OT can be reconcilled with the merciful God depicted by the New - a question to which I have not heard a satisfactory, evangelical answer. But he got side-tracked into a discussion of how the three epochs (pre-fall, pre-cruicifixion and post-resurrection) of relatoionship with God affect us as humans, rather than addressing how God's side of the equation changes. Nevertheless, he was an organised, engaging speaker.


The rest of the weekend was lovely, we went to Janel's second cousin's first birthday party, and while Nicole had to rush off to her business course planning group, I stayed and watched SA thrash Aus at rugby and enjoyed watching Nellie play with her cousin - she was so relaxed and happy, it was a delight to see. The weather was appaling, with storms and gales all over the Western Cape, but we had good family times in front of the fire.

Lazy rainy afternoon...

It's a wet and wintery Saturday afternoon, and the Springboks are playing Australia (in Durban I think). I'd forgotton this fact and so haven't made any plans to go somewhere that has M-Net (the pay digital channel) showing and will have to watch the re-broadcast on SABC later. Nicole is at a staff development day, listening to Ben Zander speak, so I'm looking after Janel. We've watched "Insectopia" (her name for the movie "Antz") and I've managed to wean her off the television and into her playroom. At the moment there is a lot of unpacking going on, most recently her musical instruments, so she is trying to figure out which end of the flute to blow into...

It's been a busy few weeks - the budget season at school has begun, so I have been helping various heads of subjects to consider their options for electronic/IT equipment and then get prices so that they can draw up budgets for 2009. At the same time, I'm trying to do my own budgeting for the four areas (IT, AVT, ICDL & photocopiers) that I have become responsible for. And with Nicole's seemingly endless busyness still ongoing, life at home is busy too - although we spend most evenings collapsed in front of the TV after getting Janel to bed, it never feels restful, and we always wake up almost as tired as we were when we went to bed. Nicole is sick at the moment, but I'm actually feeling OK, although my back is constantly sore - as if a vertebrae was out of position.

I got an unexpected phonecall this week. When I visited the new church we're trying for the first time (Nicole had been the week before), I filled in one of their newcomers slips, and at the bottom, after I had filled name of spouse and children, I wrote "Daughter Zoe, stillborn 24 March 2007" - in part because I always agonise over how to fill in how many children I have, but in part just to see how they would respond. When Nicole had visited, I had been impressed by how quickly they followed up on her "newcomers form" - just an email saying "thanks for visiting, here's how to find out more", but I thought that it showed they'd at least noticed you'd been. So I was a little miffed when my form didn't get followed up after a week to 10 days. Then I got a call from one of the church leadership team/elders/whatever they call them inviting me to meet up for coffee. I assume that it's in response to my note, as he seemed quite awkward about it. As it turns out, on the afternoon we were supposed to meet, his wife got into a traffic accident, so it's been postponed a week. As fate would have it, we haven't been back to the church since I filled in the form - last week was Janel's godparent's son's christening, and this week we're on creche duty at Christ Church. I'm intrigued to see how it all pans out.

Has it really been almost a year since I last posted to this blog - seems incredible...

For the longest time I didn't post because I didn't feel I had anything of value to say - I was unemployed, looking for work, feeling useless and frustrated. I thought I would start posting again when I found work and felt less empty, but even when I found work in February (almost six months ago, how time flies) there still seemed to be nothing to say. We'd started having some bereavement counseling through Christ Church, and the issue of my unemployment (and unemployability it felt at the time) dominated every session to the point where I really didn't feel it had any value to me at all. The only positive thing that did come from it was that my counsellor suggested (near insisted) that I needed to have someone to talk to (about Zoe, but also about life in general) and so my brother and I started meeting up for coffee on a weekly basis, and those times were very valuable and precious.

Starting work has been good for me in a lot of ways - the staff at Rustenburg have been very welcoming and I have felt comfortable far, FAR faster than I ever thought possible. I've always taken months, if not YEARS, to feel truly comfortable in a new environment, and within weeks, I had told the group of staff I sit with about her, wept with another member of staff over her and invited a bunch of them to our house for a braai. Inconceivable!! I have managed to make a positive impact there, as I am quite different (both in character and aptitude) to my predecessor and so have been able to do things that have simply needed a fresh pair of eyes and yet made a significant difference in the school's life. And so I feel valued and important, which has been crucial for my self esteem.

Life at home has gone through ups and downs, with Nicole working harder than ever before - dividing herself between school, home, the business and study. Sometimes she manages, sometimes not, and sometimes I have felt like I'm at the bottom of the To-Do list... Janel has gone through phases of not wanting me to do ANYTHING for her and screaming for Mommy if I so much as try. Having said that, she has also gone through phases where I'm flavour of the month instead, so that cuts both ways. Money has been tight, got better and is tight again as Lovely Laities starts gathering steam - and now we start thinking about buying a second car and renovating our house in Field Close!!

Health has been pretty horrid of late as well - I got a cold in June, which ended up as pneumonia by August, after two weeks in bed, I was ready to climb the walls, so went back to work, probably earlier than I should and picked up another cold, which I have yet to shake off, but it doesn't seem to be getting any worse either...

My faith has pretty much been down - we've pretty much given up on being able to fit in at Christ Church, it just doesn't seem to be working, although we have joined a small group "bible-study" which has been good, at least for the relational aspects, but going to services has been a bit of a wash-out. The other good thing about our stint of counseling was that we were "given permission" to stop feeling obliged to go to services if that was proving a hinderance rather than a help, which it was at the time. Instead we bought a membership to Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens and have spent several very happy Sundays there. We've now started attending (well, we've been twice) a church closer to where we are, and that seems promising, at least from Janel's point of view, as their children's activities seem to be well organised, and there are a couple of children from nursery there, so she is much more relaxed, which means that we may be able to leave her there on her own soon. The truth, though, is that I don't think it matters where we attend, for me there is nothing going on inside. There have been times when I have wished that I could believe in the way that I used to, but for the most part, it is an empty and meaningless exercise.

That seems like a depressing place to end this post, especially because I'm not really depressed - life is mostly good, if a little meandering. We'll be able to try and fall pregnant again in about 6 weeks time (medical aid won't cover the treatments Nicole will need until a one year probation is completed), so that will herald a whole new set of stresses!!

Here's hoping it's not another year until the next post...

Long time no post

"You have two eyes to see with, you have two ears to hear,
you have one mouth to speak with and one small nose right here.
Your feet are down below, your hair is up above,
you have two arms to hold me, and I have you to love."

This is a song on one of the "Sing and Sign" DVDs that Janel loves watching, and the last line always makes me cry. I'm never sure whether I'm crying because I love Janel, or because I miss Zoe, but I cry everytime.

Not much of a post, but its better than the "This post intentionally left blank" that I was planning... :-)

Goodbyes - a retrospective...

We've been in South Africa over a week now, and this is the first chance that I've had to catch up with myself, blogging wise...

Nicole has started her temporary post at Rondebosch Boys' High School (althought they're angling for it to become longer term or even permanent), which means that I am a stay-at-home dad for the immediate future. So far (two days in) it has gone well, and I feel that I have been able to entertain Janel and accomplish what I need to, most of the time. Having said that, the time does race by and before you know it, it is lunchtime and then Mommy's home!! I've been really worried that I won't know what to do with her/how to keep her entertained/make sure that her development is being aided correctly/etc, etc, etc, but so far at least, so good.

On the job hunt front, things are not so positive - I have contacted a couple of agencies by email, but without much response to be honest. I know that I need to follow them up by phone and personal contact, but there isn't really the time for a consolidated effort at the moment. We're looking at daycare options, and if we find something that we like, and can get Janel settled, then I will be able to give the issue my full attention. Going back into some form of education does, however, seem to be a viable alternative - my sister-in-law runs an extra Maths lesson tutoring service, and is keen to see it expand into other areas, which is quite an exciting option. I hadn't thought that I wanted to go that route, but now it feels like a possibility.

I hate having options :-)

Moving - Parts 2 and 3

Well, the house is packed up, cleaned up and handed over to the letting agent - an exhausting weekend/week.

Nicole has been a star, working most of the past week to get things ready for the move, organising with charities to come and collect the surplus "goods and chattels". On Thursday the packers from the shipping company came and packed away all the things we were shipping home and took away our car - apparantly they did sterling work. By the time the weekend came it was just a matter of getting rid of the stuff that we couldn't give away and cleaning the flat - "just"? It was rather disappointing how little the various charities were able to take away, so we ended up throwing away some perfectly good stuff, although most of the stuff we were able to unload at various charity shops on the way to the dump. Part 2 over...

Then it was time to vacuum the carpets, wash the walls, touch up the paintwork, wash all the windows (inside and out), steam clean the carpets, scrub the sinks & mop the floors - all to make sure we got our deposit back (which we'll need to pay the moving company!!). Thank goodnes my folks were able to come up for the weekend, to help with the moving and cleaning, but almost as importantly, to look after Janel while we worked. The agent was due to arrive at 4pm, and by 4.15, Nicole was fuming - I was able to escape with the final load for the dump, but fortunately for the agent, she arrived soon after I left, gave the place the once over and confirmed that everything was in order.

We left a lot of memories in that flat - we moved in there soon after we found out Nicole was pregnant with Janel (the thought of climbing two flights of stairs to the flat above the vicarage while pregnant being too much to contemplate), and it has housed us through happy, exhausted and distraught times. Janel took her first steps there, said her first words there, Zoe was concieved there. We learned of my Grandma's death there, and gathered there to try and listen in on her funeral via Skype. It was our place of refuge in the days after Zoe died, when the sun shone and our world seemed to have ended. We grew tomatoes (by the bucketload) and butternut there, mielies that stood tall but never produced fruit, sage that sounded like a good idea, but never got used, cucumbers that were huge, but too bitter. It was our first family home. Part 3 was over...

So now we trust that the container will make it past the coast of Devon and safely to Cape Town, that we haven't packed anything we'll need in the next 4 weeks, and haven't thrown anything away we should have packed. On to part 4

Moving - Part 1

And so it begins - the great re-location to Cape Town.

Yesterday, we packed up the things that we will be taking with us on the plane - that we will need over the next week and a half, and for the first 4 weeks or so in SA. Quite a challenge, packing for work and leisure, summer and winter, and in just 20 kgs!! Fortunately Janel gets a full 20kg to herself this time, as she is travelling as a child (i.e. getting her own seat) rather than as an infant (i.e. travelling on our laps).

At the same time we have begun putting things in bags/boxes so that they are ready for the movers to come and pack on Thursday. And throwing out junk, of which there is far, FAR too much, and giving things away to charity and friends. All rather exhausting really.

We've relocated to the house of some friends who are away on holiday, and are staying on the second floor, so are having to be much more organised with ourselves, as climbing two flights of stairs to fetch the wallet/dummy/book/etc that you've forgotten is task that my body is very unused to!!

By contrast, on Saturday, we had one of the nicest days we have had in a long, long time - we'd orgainised a farewell event, which was going to be a picnic in the park, but some friends offered us the use of thier place for a BBQ, so we took them up on it and were very glad that we did, as it was a stereotypical British summer day, with some rather hefty showers. It was such a relaxed day - with people coming and going, bringing FAR too much food, mixing and chatting and playing with Janel. Just the way that I had imagined it!!

Starting all over again...

And so the journey begins again...

We spoke in counselling last night about the feeling of being stuck in a place, of not feeling able to move forward in my grief, of still being in this place of non-specific anger and irritability with the world that I was two weeks ago. We then spoke about how being stuck can be a self-protective measure, as allowing yourself to get stuck in a comfortable place (or more comfortable than some of the alternatives) means that you no longer need risk facing the pain, anger, grief, whatever that moving on might mean you have to face. But all this is marvelously vague, and I need a little more direction, so I'm to start at the beginning again.

When Zoe died, Nicole took it very hard, and while I was able to grieve with her to a point, I also took on the role of protective husband, provider of needs. This was, perhaps, a necessary thing, to allow Nicole the time and space to grieve as she needed to without worrying about mundane details like where food was coming from. Necessary for me too, a protective measure from the intensity of the emotion of those first few days. And it has served its purpose - Nicole has, with the help of wonderful friends in both growth-groups, fellow bloggers and the denizens of the SANDS forum, been able to process much of the grief and anger and is taking steps down the road to wholeness again. I have remained in my role of protector and provider, which does not allow much space for my own grieving - I have not demanded it, nor, if I'm honest, even sought it terribly hard, once again a way of protecting myself. And yet, as Ali pointed out, in the long term, what is now a protection, will ultimately be the death of me, what I pass of as gallant and heroic, will one day destroy that which I hope to save - to be the husband and father that I desire to be, I must care for and nurture myself as much as I do those I love.

So I go back to the beginning - to try and relive (to some measure or other) the days after Zoe was taken away, the feelings and emotions, the stresses and anxieties. Much of this won't be published here, but I hope to be able to post some of what I learn, if nothing else.

Wish me luck

Do I care if he knows?

Today I got an email from one of the people at the meeting I was attending when I heard the news about Zoe - I replied saying that I was heading home to South Africa and he wished me well, ending off with the words "Hope all is well with the new addition". I didn't say much as I left the meeting that awful day so long ago and just the other day, although I had assumed that the expression on my face would have told a story, but it's clear that he thinks all is well.

How should I respond? Should I respond at all? Do I care if he knows? Do I know if he cares? What's the point in telling someone that I will never meet again of this tragedy - it will just upset him, and for no reason? What can he possibly say in response that will mean anything? And yet, I want him to know - I want everyone to know. Partly because this is something that everyone ought to know about because it is now such a huge part of who I am, what makes me be the way that I am at the moment, but also because I just don't want to have to deal with the awkward phase of someone learning about all of this for the first time and feeling bad and not knowing what to say and saying something trite or meaningless and feeling bad about that and having to manage their feelings as well as my own and all of everything...

This is one of the things that I fear most about going home, having to deal with people not knowing and with people knowing but seeing us for the first time - by now, the people we actually have relationships with all know what we've been through, whether they have dealt with it or not, spoken to us about it or not, so you don't actually have to mention it - a bit like the elephant in the room. But in South Africa, no one (apart from family and close friends) knows, and we'll meet and they'll be happy and we will be sad and they'll say why and we'll tell them and rinse and repeat. I was wondering what (if anything) I'd tell a prospective employer about all of this, because I know it's affecting my work, but when/how do you even bring something like that up?

This is why, when people ask me if I'm excited to be going home, I say I just want it to be over now...

Independance Day

I just realised that my final day here at the College will be the 4th of July which is the U.S. Independance Day!!

Kind of appropriate :-)

G

Edited to Add:
Actually, the thought of all that freedom is a little disconcerting - I've been at the College for over 7 years now, albeit in different roles, but it has been a very comfortable time for me, and the thought of not having a job to go to is rather scary. Also, because I have a very broad work experience, there are lots and lots of potential oppurtunities open to me, and it is hard to focus any job-hunt. My time with my "careers advisor" has been frustrating is this respect, as I don't really know what it is that I want to be doing medium to long term, which means that he doesn't really know how to help me get there (can't help me).

I do know that I don't want to go back into teaching (althought working in an educational environment is not out of the question), and that I would like to be able to continue working with computers in some capacity, but beyond that it isn't really clear at all. I know that I haven't really had the time or energy to commit to a proper job search of late, and am planning to make some time in the near future, but it is all rather frustrating/scary.

I have been all too lucky in my career so far, and have more or less fallen into very nice jobs (or, I suppose, putting it another way, God had been looking out for me) - but I don't want to have to rely on that when we get home.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be at work, working, but it is *very* quiet!!

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